Through counseling I have learned that verbal abuse and control go
hand in hand, along with anger and sometimes even physical abuse. Because I met
Bob when I was so young, I had adjusted things in my life that I justified as
'making my life easier' in reality it was out of fear of Bob and over the years
I didn't even realize that there was anything wrong with it.
One of the many examples of this is that
Bob hated when I would get my hair done. For some reason (I know now it was all
about control) he would get mad when I told him I was getting my hair cut or
colored, it was like he was jealous of it or something, I could never
understand. So I would tell him in advance that I had an apt and he would get
upset and ask why I needed to get my hair colored and that we didn't have the
money and so on. I would still go and while I was there he would call, text or
a couple times he even drove to the salon and had Megan run in with a coffee
from the gas station. I knew he was just checking to make sure I was really
there. He would be especially mad if he had to watch the kids while I was gone.
Every-time I would get home he would be
really upset, saying that my hair didn't look any different and ask me how much
it cost and why I needed to spend money on my hair when we have other things to
pay for. He would then start a fight and either leave or not talk to me for the
rest of the day.
When Megan was little I had to take her
with me because he didn't want to take care of her while I was gone. One time
Taryn (woman that cuts my hair) didn't have any openings and she said I could
come in on a Saturday at 7:00 before the salon opens. This was great for me,
because I could get up early and get breakfast all ready and get my hair done
and be back before Bob and the kids were up or shortly after they got up. This
was such a great solution for me, and for the most part avoided these fights. I
continued to do this for years. There were the times when Bob went out the
night before and didn't get home in time for me to leave, in which case I had
to cancel and tell her one of the kids were sick (which was an excuse I used a
lot over the last 16 years).
It was the same thing with grocery
shopping (or actually anytime I left the house and he was home), I can’t count
the times when he would call me and ask me where I was and why it was taking so
long. It got so bad that if the kids were with me, I would start to panic and
tell them that we had to hurry up, that dad was waiting and he is mad that we
have been gone so long. So I also started doing the grocery shopping at 4 or 5
am, even on weekdays, to avoid this control and panic that I needed to hurry.
In addition to this type of control with me, he also did the same with
the kids. There were only certain people that they could spend time with and go
with. He was very controlling with where they would go and when they needed to
come home. For example, if one of them was going to a friend’s house to stay
overnight, the next morning he would panic and start figuring out how they will
get home, making me call the parent so that I could go pick them up right away.
It was like he was so nervous and uptight if any of us were not home. But is wasn't the same if he wasn't home, he pretty much hated being at home, he hated yard work or any kind of cleaning. So he would leave, make thinks up just to get out
of the house. He was fine being away from the kids and I as long as he knew we
were home. He didn't trust anyone to watch the kids so we never went anywhere together. He went to the bar, happy hours, friends houses and I rarely ever went with. I stayed home with the kids. It was easier for me though because chances are he would find something wrong with the way someone else did something with the kids that he would just complain to me and even be mad at me or not talk to me for days.
The other types of control with the kids were/are what they wear
and how they have their hair. If Brandon wanted to wear sweatpants or anything that
made his look in Bob’s eyes ‘grubby’, he would make him change. If any of us
wanted to wear our hair in a manner that he didn't think was appropriate he
would convince us as to why we need to change it. I had my hair long and he would
always tell me that ‘a mom of three kids should not have long hair’. He would
call Brandon a grub if his hair was longer and make him get it cut. One night
he forced Brandon into the bathroom and cut his hair, he was mortified, it was
all crooked and uneven and it was too late to go get it fixed somewhere, so he had to go to school with it like that way.
He just did this same thing to Megan last weekend, she has been
growing her hair out for over a year now and it was pretty long and she didn't want
to get it cut. I told her (as I tell all three kids) that it’s her choice, she
can decide how and when she wants it cut. I told her not to let dad control how
she has her hair, that she is old enough to decide for herself. So he promised
to take her Mt. Biking this last weekend and as they were getting ready, he
told her that they could only go if she got a haircut. She agreed and he made
her cut off 4 inches. This control makes me absolutely sick. In her prayers
this week, she asked God to help her dad not be so controlling. She loves her
haircut and it is really cute, but it’s just so wrong to do that to a 12 year
old girl.
He basically controlled every aspect of my life. How I did the
dishes, how long I talked on the phone, who I talked to, who I could be friends
with, how fast I had to get home from work, how fast the kids ate, what they
ate….the list goes on and on. It was like I never did anything right and was
too slow doing it.
That is a lot of the control piece, I have 100's of stories of
this type of behavior over the last 20 years, I am sure I will get back to that
over the next several weeks and months.
